Joke Thread

Sharkey

Word Ninja
Three college girls make appointments with their OB's for a check up.

The first girl goes in and the doctor asks her to disrobe. Upon disrobing, the doctor notices the girl has a "T" abrasion on her chest. Upon inquiry, the girl says, "My boyfriend plays football for the University of Texas. Whenever we make love he wears his letterman's jacket and the 'T' has worn into my chest." The doctor continues the exam, then sends her on her way.

The second girl goes in and the doctor asks her to disrobe. Upon disrobing, the doctor notices the girl has an "A" abrasion on her chest. Upon inquiry, the girl says, "My boyfriend plays football for the University of Alabama. Whenever we make love he wears his letterman's jacket and the 'A' has worn into my chest." The doctor, somewhat curious about the trend, finishes the exam and then sends her on her way.

The third girl goes in and the doctor asks her to disrobe. Upon disrobing, the doctor notices the girl has a "M" abrasion on her chest. Having figured out the pattern, the doctor says, "Let me guess, your boyfriend plays football for the University of Maryland and whenever you make love he wears his letterman's jacket. As a result, the 'M' has worn into your chest."

With a big smile on her face the third girl replies, "Nope, my girlfriend plays softball at Wisconsin."
 

Army_Vet

Banned
A Saudi Prince went to Germany to study.
A month later, he sends a letter to his dad saying:"Berlin is wonderful, people are nice and I really like it here,but I'm a bit ashamed to arrive to school with my gold Mercedes when all my teachers travel by train."
Sometime later he gets a letter from his dad with a ten million dollar check saying:"Stop embarrassing us, go and get yourself a train too”!
 

Army_Vet

Banned
Here is one for all you "Salty Sea Dawgs"


Through the pitch-black night, the captain sees a light dead ahead on a collision course with his ship. He sends a signal: “Change your course 10 degree east.”
The light signals back: “Change yours, 10 degrees west.”
Angry, the captain sends: “I’m a navy captain! Change your course, sir!”
“I’m a seaman, second class,” comes the reply. “Change your course, sir.”
Now the captain is furious. “I’m a battleship! I’m not changing course!”
There is one last reply. “I’m a lighthouse Sir; Your move.”
 

catahoula

Caught the Bug
Two buddies are out in the woods hunting. One has to go to the bathroom and as he is relieving himself a rattlesnake strikes him on his p****. He comes running out in the woods and tells his buddy. His buddy says stay right here I'll go back to the truck and call a doctor. As time passes he gets to the truck and gets a hold of a doctor. The doctor tells him the only way to save your buddy is to suck the poison out. So he runs back to his buddy and says I talked to a doctor. His snake bitten buddy goes well what did he say? He said you are going to die.
 

KennyFrench

New member
A few of my favorites...

The Army is camped in a valley. The general looks up and sees a lone Marine standing atop the ridge, looking down at them and shaking his head. The general sends two troopers to take care of the Marine. They get to the top of the ridge and chase the Marine down the other side. Five minutes later, the Marine re-appears but there’s no sign of the Army troopers. The general sends a platoon up and they chase the Marine down the other side. Five minutes later, there’s that same Marine standing there, hands on his hips, just shaking his head. This goes on with the general sending more and more troops which never return. Finally, the general sends a whole division up the hill with the same results, except this time, one lone trooper comes crawling back and says “General, it’s a trap. There are two of them.”


Two old men are sitting in the retirement home and one turns to the other and says “Being ‘regular’ is over-rated.” The other man looks at him puzzled and the first old boy continues “Every morning, at 7:30am, without fail, I have a bowel movement.” The second old man asks “What’s so bad about that?” The first old man replies “I don’t get out of bed until 8am”


I went fishing this morning, but after a short time, I ran out of bait. Then I saw a cottonmouth with a frog in its mouth. Frogs are good bait, and knowing the snake couldn’t bite me with the frog in its mouth, I grabbed it right behind the head, took the frog and put it in my bait bucket. Now how to release the snake without getting bit. I grabbed my bottle of Jack Daniels and poured a little whiskey into the snake’s mouth. Its eyes rolled back and it went limp, so I released it into the lake without incident and went back to fishing, using the frog. Not long after, I felt a nudge at my foot. I looked down and it was that damn snake ……. with two more frogs.
 

Sharkey

Word Ninja
A man was telling his buddy, "You won't believe what happened last night.
My daughter walked into the living room and said, 'Dad, cancel my
allowance immediately, forget my college tuition loan, rent my room
out, throw all my clothes out the window, take my TV and my laptop.
Please take any of my jewelry to the Salvation Army or Cash Converters.
Then, sell my car, take my front door key away from me and
throw me out of the house. Then, disown me and never talk to me again.
Don't forget to write me out of your will and leave my share to any charity
you choose.'"

"Holy Smokes," replied the friend, "she actually said that?"

"Well, she didn't put it quite like that. She actually said, 'Dad, meet my new boyfriend-- Mohammed. We're going to work together on Hillary’s election campaign!'"
 

Tigrcky

New member
So this park ranger has been watching this old man for weeks come in and out of the dock with his little boat with a full bag limit without fail, so the ranger says to himself " this guy has to be doing something illegal." so the next day the ranger dresses in civvies and approaches the old man and says " hey i have been watching you for a few weeks and you always catch your limit, but i have yet to catch a single fish, would you mind showing a few things?" the old man replies "sure jump in!" then they motor out to a little cove on the lake and the old man looks around then reaches under his seat and pulls out a stick of dynomite, lights it, then tosses it in the water and ducks. big boom and splash later fish floats up and the old man grabs them and puts them in the boat. the ranger got all excited and said to himself "ahah i got him!" then he says to the old man, "Im a ranger and you are busted." the old man looks him dead in the eye and says "I know." then reaches under his seat grabs a stick of dynomite, lights it, then hands it to the ranger, then says "you gonna fish or talk?"
 

JKAnimal

Caught the Bug
A man was telling his buddy, "You won't believe what happened last night.
My daughter walked into the living room and said, 'Dad, cancel my
allowance immediately, forget my college tuition loan, rent my room
out, throw all my clothes out the window, take my TV and my laptop.
Please take any of my jewelry to the Salvation Army or Cash Converters.
Then, sell my car, take my front door key away from me and
throw me out of the house. Then, disown me and never talk to me again.
Don't forget to write me out of your will and leave my share to any charity
you choose.'"

"Holy Smokes," replied the friend, "she actually said that?"

"Well, she didn't put it quite like that. She actually said, 'Dad, meet my new boyfriend-- Mohammed. We're going to work together on Hillary’s election campaign!'"

That is so friggin awesome! :cheesy::cheesy:
 

swag247

New member
Pirate walks into a bar, bartender notices that he has a steering wheel stuffed down the front of his pants.
Bartender says "Geesh that look uncomfortable", Pirate replies "Arrrgh it be driving me nuts".
 

Cpyrd

New member
Boy and his grandpa go fishing one morning. About 9:30am the old man pulls A cigar out of his pocket and proceeds to smoke it. The boy asks to try it and promises not to tell anyone. The old man says"Boy, does your dick reach your a-hole?"
Boy responds "no, sir"
Old man " then you can try the cigar"
A little later the old man pulls a beer ou of his cooler and proceeds to drink.
Boy asks" grandpa, can I try that beer?I won't tell."
Old man says" boy does your dick reach your a-hole?"
Boy" no, sir"
Old man" then no you can't try it"
Around lunch the boy pulls out a bag of chocolate chip cookies and starts eating.
Old man asks " can I have one of those cookies?"
Boy asks" does your dick reach your a-hole?"
Old man Smiles and says"it sure does!"
Boy responds " then go f*^{ yourself grandma made these for me!"
 

pastorwug

New member
Subject: CAR AIR CONDITIONERS

The Goldberg Brothers - Inventors of the Automobile Air Conditioner

Here's a little fact for automotive buffs or just to dazzle your friends.

The four Goldberg brothers, Lowell, Norman, Hiram, and Max, invented and developed the first automobile air-conditioner.

On July 17, 1946 , the temperature in Detroit was 97 degrees.

The four brothers walked into old man Henry Ford's office and sweet-talked his secretary into telling him that four gentlemen were there with the most exciting innovation in the auto industry since the electric starter.

Henry was curious and invited them into his office.

They refused and instead asked that he come out to the parking lot to their car.
They persuaded him to get into the car, which was about 130 degrees, turned on the air conditioner, and cooled the car off immediately.

The old man got very excited and invited them back to the office, where he offered them $3 million for the patent. The brothers refused, saying they would settle for $2 million, but they wanted the recognition by having a label, 'The Goldberg Air-Conditioner,' on the dashboard of each car in which it was installed.

Now old man Ford was more than just a little anti-Jewish, and there was no way he was going to put the Goldberg's name on two million Fords. They haggled back and forth for about two hours and finally agreed on

$4 million and that just their first names would be shown.

And so to this day, all Ford air conditioners show -- Lo, Norm, Hi, and Max -- on the controls.
 
Down at the local Irish Pub...

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me Life, between the legs of me wife !"

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night !

He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best toast of the night."

She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"
John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."

"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won
the prize the other night at The pub with a toast about you, Mary."

She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been in there twice in the last four years.
"Once I had to pull him by the ears to make him come, and the other time he fell asleep".
 
A student asked his english professor, “what is the definition of a dilemma?"

the professor said, “well, there's nothing better than an example to illustrate that.”

“imagine that you are laying naked in a big bed with a beautiful naked young woman on one side and a naked gay man on the other side!”

now, who are you going to turn your back on
 

cozdude

Guy with a Red 2-Door
Down at the local Irish Pub...

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me Life, between the legs of me wife !"

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night !

He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best toast of the night."

She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"
John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."

"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won
the prize the other night at The pub with a toast about you, Mary."

She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been in there twice in the last four years.
"Once I had to pull him by the ears to make him come, and the other time he fell asleep".

A student asked his english professor, “what is the definition of a dilemma?"

the professor said, “well, there's nothing better than an example to illustrate that.”

“imagine that you are laying naked in a big bed with a beautiful naked young woman on one side and a naked gay man on the other side!”

now, who are you going to turn your back on



:cheesy::cheesy::cheesy::cheesy::cheesy: both are histerical!
 
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