Joke Thread

Sharkey

Sharkey

Word Ninja
A woman was shopping at the local supermarket where she selected:

A half-gallon of 2% milk,
A carton of eggs,
A quart of orange juice,
A head of lettuce,
A 2 lb. Can of coffee and
A 1 lb. Package of bacon

A drunk man standing behind her watched as she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out.

While the cashier was ringing up the purchases, the drunk calmly stated -- 'You must be single.'

The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but was intrigued by the derelict's intuition since she was indeed single.

She looked at the six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about the selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status.

Curiosity getting the better of her, she asked, 'Yes you are correct. But how on earth did you know that?'

The drunk replied -- 'Cause you're ugly.'
 
Sharkey said:
A woman was shopping at the local supermarket where she selected:

A half-gallon of 2% milk,
A carton of eggs,
A quart of orange juice,
A head of lettuce,
A 2 lb. Can of coffee and
A 1 lb. Package of bacon

A drunk man standing behind her watched as she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out.

While the cashier was ringing up the purchases, the drunk calmly stated -- 'You must be single.'

The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but was intrigued by the derelict's intuition since she was indeed single.

She looked at the six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about the selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status.

Curiosity getting the better of her, she asked, 'Yes you are correct. But how on earth did you know that?'

The drunk replied -- 'Cause you're ugly.'
Click to expand...

:cheesy::cheesy:

Thanks, I needed a laugh today!
 
This is the ONLY joke my wife has laughed at in the 23 years we have been together, hope you like it.

A guy is walking down the street past a mental hospital surronded by a huge wooden fence when he hears a group inside chanting "twelve, twelve, twelve". As he walks a little further down the street he sees a hole in the fence and decides to look thru the hole to see if he can find out why they are chanting.

As he puts his face against the fence and looks thru the hole someone inside pokes him in the eye with a stick, then he hears them chanting "thirteen, thirteen, thirteen"!
 
A 60 year old man drives off the car lot with a new convertible corvette. As he speeds and feels the wind blowing threw what little hair he has, he begins to smile. He stairs at the speed limit going from 60-80 then 90. He then looks in the rear view mirror and notices red and blue lights. He accelerates up to 100 then 110 and realizes "I'm to old for this shit". He pulls over and the officer approaches. "Sir it's Friday and my shift ends in 30 minutes if u can give me one good reason not to sight u I will let you go" the old man looks up and quickly responds." Well see officer my ex wife ran off with a highway patrol officer, I thought it was you and you where bringing her back". Smiling the officer let's him go.

Sent from my SPH-L720 using WAYALIFE mobile app
 
Sharkey said:
A woman was shopping at the local supermarket where she selected:

A half-gallon of 2% milk,
A carton of eggs,
A quart of orange juice,
A head of lettuce,
A 2 lb. Can of coffee and
A 1 lb. Package of bacon

A drunk man standing behind her watched as she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out.

While the cashier was ringing up the purchases, the drunk calmly stated -- 'You must be single.'

The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but was intrigued by the derelict's intuition since she was indeed single.

She looked at the six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about the selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status.

Curiosity getting the better of her, she asked, 'Yes you are correct. But how on earth did you know that?'

The drunk replied -- 'Cause you're ugly.'
Click to expand...


Best I've heard or read in a long time! :cheesy:
 
jeff_in_rc said:
This is the ONLY joke my wife has laughed at in the 23 years we have been together, hope you like it.

A guy is walking down the street past a mental hospital surronded by a huge wooden fence when he hears a group inside chanting "twelve, twelve, twelve". As he walks a little further down the street he sees a hole in the fence and decides to look thru the hole to see if he can find out why they are chanting.

As he puts his face against the fence and looks thru the hole someone inside pokes him in the eye with a stick, then he hears them chanting "thirteen, thirteen, thirteen"!
Click to expand...

:thumbup: I like that one!

Sent from my DROID RAZR HD using WAYALIFE mobile app
 
Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.

The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize. “Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me”, she told him.

“Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes”, the man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands there at his groin. At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside she administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, “How does that feel”?

“Feels great”, he replied; “but I still think my thumb's broken”!
 
Desert Rose JK said:
Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.

The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize. “Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me”, she told him.

“Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes”, the man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands there at his groin. At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside she administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, “How does that feel”?

“Feels great”, he replied; “but I still think my thumb's broken”!
Click to expand...

Lmao that was excellent. Good thread topic, keep em coming. I'm trying to recall some of the good ones I knew

The Force will be with you.... always
 
A woman with a parakeet on her shoulder walks into a crowded bar full of men and says "I will f_ck and s_ck each and everyone of you if someone can guess how much this parakeet weighs"

a guy in the back yells out "500 pounds"

She says "close enough"

:eek: :D
 
But Officer . . .
One Sunday, sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding
drivers, a State Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH.
He thinks to himself, "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!"
So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.
Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies - two in
the front seat and three in the back - wide eyed and white as ghosts.
The driver, obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don't understand,
I was doing exactly the speed limit! I always go exactly the speed limit.
What seems to be the problem?"
"Ma'am," the officer replies, "you weren't speeding, but you should know
that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers."
"Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly!
Twenty-two miles an hour!" the old woman says a bit proudly.
The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her
that "22" was the route number, not the speed limit.
A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for
pointing out her error.
"But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask... Is everyone in this car OK?
These women seem awfully shaken and they haven't muttered a single peep
this whole time," the officer asks with concern.
"Oh, they'll be all right in a minute officer. We just got off Route 119."

Sent from my Z10 using WAYALIFE mobile app
 
Alright I remember one:

Two elderly men are sitting on a bench in the park talking about their lives when one starts to say how fast time as flown and how old he is now. The other man looks to him and states I bet I can guess exactly how old you are. The first man agrees to take the bet, saying that there's no way. The second man tells him to stand up and pull his pants down. The first man goes what are you talking about? There's people around we are in public. The second man says do you want me to guess or not? So the first man does what he's told. The second man then says okay, pull your underwear down. The first man, resists again, the second man responding that he will guess his exact age. The first man pulls his underwear down. The second man tells him to bend over and stick his thumb up his ass. The first man does. The second says are 94 years old. The first man stands up straight and says, you're exactly right..... how did you do that? The second man says, You told me yesterday..

The Force will be with you.... always
 
Princess Kate and Dolly Parton both die simultaneously in a car accident. They ascend to heaven and are standing at the pearly gates when St. Peter proclaims, "Unfortunately there is only enough room left in heaven for one of you. You must show me something extraordinary about you which compels entrance into heaven."

Dolly Parton immediately says, "No problem y'all" and whips open her shirt to display her trademark large breasts.

Princess Kate ponders for a minute, grabs a bottle of douche and does her business, then hands St. Peter the bag.

St. Peter looks at the bag, then at Dolly and, after pondering what he has just witnessed, pointedly declares:

"I'm sorry Dolly, but a royal flush beats two of a kind."
 
Sharkey said:
Princess Kate and Dolly Parton both die simultaneously in a car accident. They ascend to heaven and are standing at the pearly gates when St. Peter proclaims, "Unfortunately there is only enough room left in heaven for one of you. You must show me something extraordinary about you which compels entrance into heaven."

Dolly Parton immediately says, "No problem y'all" and whips open her shirt to display her trademark large breasts.

Princess Kate ponders for a minute, grabs a bottle of douche and does her business, then hands St. Peter the bag.

St. Peter looks at the bag, then at Dolly and, after pondering what he has just witnessed, pointedly declares:

"I'm sorry Dolly, but a royal flush beats two of a kind."
Click to expand...

That is funny. I have a coworker that knows all kinds of jokes. When he gets back in the office I will get some from him.
 
PJScullyJr said:
But Officer . . .
One Sunday, sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding
drivers, a State Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH.
He thinks to himself, "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!"
So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.
Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies - two in
the front seat and three in the back - wide eyed and white as ghosts.
The driver, obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don't understand,
I was doing exactly the speed limit! I always go exactly the speed limit.
What seems to be the problem?"
"Ma'am," the officer replies, "you weren't speeding, but you should know
that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers."
"Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly!
Twenty-two miles an hour!" the old woman says a bit proudly.
The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her
that "22" was the route number, not the speed limit.
A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for
pointing out her error.
"But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask... Is everyone in this car OK?
These women seem awfully shaken and they haven't muttered a single peep
this whole time," the officer asks with concern.
"Oh, they'll be all right in a minute officer. We just got off Route 119."

Sent from my Z10 using WAYALIFE mobile app
Click to expand...

Aeraun said:
Alright I remember one:

Two elderly men are sitting on a bench in the park talking about their lives when one starts to say how fast time as flown and how old he is now. The other man looks to him and states I bet I can guess exactly how old you are. The first man agrees to take the bet, saying that there's no way. The second man tells him to stand up and pull his pants down. The first man goes what are you talking about? There's people around we are in public. The second man says do you want me to guess or not? So the first man does what he's told. The second man then says okay, pull your underwear down. The first man, resists again, the second man responding that he will guess his exact age. The first man pulls his underwear down. The second man tells him to bend over and stick his thumb up his ass. The first man does. The second says are 94 years old. The first man stands up straight and says, you're exactly right..... how did you do that? The second man says, You told me yesterday..

The Force will be with you.... always
Click to expand...

Sharkey said:
Princess Kate and Dolly Parton both die simultaneously in a car accident. They ascend to heaven and are standing at the pearly gates when St. Peter proclaims, "Unfortunately there is only enough room left in heaven for one of you. You must show me something extraordinary about you which compels entrance into heaven."

Dolly Parton immediately says, "No problem y'all" and whips open her shirt to display her trademark large breasts.

Princess Kate ponders for a minute, grabs a bottle of douche and does her business, then hands St. Peter the bag.

St. Peter looks at the bag, then at Dolly and, after pondering what he has just witnessed, pointedly declares:

"I'm sorry Dolly, but a royal flush beats two of a kind."
Click to expand...




:cheesy::cheesy::cheesy::cheesy: at all 3! they were all great!
 
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